Why I am still here

July 30th was not only the week after my birthday but the hardest day of my life. I tried to end my life. I tried to kill myself.
Why am I telling you my story? Because I'm still alive. There are things that day and everyday that changed my reasoning for not leaving the planet the way I did.
1. My parents reaction. I could imagine the horror of seeing their creation, their child, just dead because she didn't feel like she was good enough for this world. Who wants to live like that? Being told they can't do something or feel worthless? It's not a good feeling, I know.
2. Believe it or not, I have friends. Sometimes I don't call some of them my friends cause they're not the most trustworthy and loyal people I know. However I know they care enough about me to be sad if I died. I was talking to a friend about my feelings of suicide and he told me things that has helped me stay alive to this day. Thanks my friend, you matter to me.
3. I had a horrible month with deaths and losses. Wilbur my bunny died and it was so terribly tragic to me because he died in my arms. Everyone should experience that pain of someone they love once in their lifetime, but not enough that it totally wants to make you die. Would have probably been fine if my boyfriend wouldn't of broke up with me the week before but he did. That struggle of a broken heart and a loss was just too much for me. But that hope of seeing that beautiful animal again inspired me to try one more day.
4. Elijah- Elijah is a boy I peer tutored and met at the beginning of this school year. I've known him for a very short amount of time but he has changed my heart with his big heart. He is my superhero and my source of happiness. He always finds ways to make me smile or laugh whenever I see him and the memories I have made with this special boy will forever be treasured. I'm so grateful for his parents too that have made him the wonderful young man that he is. He has kept me alive.
5. Counseling- I have been going to a therapist to help me not commit suicide again. I have been deeply moved by her words and counsel. It has changed me and has helped me become a better person than I already was a few months ago.
6. Chase- I LOVE my guard instructor. He does more than ANYBODY on the colorguard staff and is with our colorguard 24/7. He is just like me emotionally and mentally and understands my needs. He has not only helped me develop my talents but has helped me realize its okay to ask for help and its okay to not be okay. I feel like I let him down a lot but he always cheers me on even when I'm doubting. It feels good to be loved by an amazing person.

All these reasons and more are the reasons why I am still alive! I'm not yet determined to say I love my life but I do appreciate the love and kindness from friends- random strangers. I know I am blessed with a wonderful life and I just need to move one step at a time. And for those haters, back off! We all have gone through soooooo much! I'm a trooper and will fight my depression and thoughts with confidence that I can always win. Everyday is a new day to be Kenzie Duke. :)