Light and Excellence

July 30th was not only the week after my birthday but the hardest day of my life. I tried to end my life. I tried to kill myself. Why am I telling you my story? Because I'm still alive. There are things that day and everyday that changed my reasoning for not leaving the planet the way I did. 1. My parents reaction. I could imagine the horror of seeing their creation, their child, just dead because she didn't feel like she was good enough for this world. Who wants to live like that? Being told they can't do something or feel worthless? It's not a good feeling, I know. 2. Believe it or not, I have friends. Sometimes I don't call some of them my friends cause they're not the most trustworthy and loyal people I know. However I know they care enough about me to be sad if I died. I was talking to a friend about my feelings of suicide and he told me things that has helped me stay alive to this day. Thanks my friend, you matter to me. 3. I had a horrible month with

Colorguard to me is like a blood donation. Why? Because I love donating blood!!! I've only done it twice, but as a donor I have saved lives through giving my blood. In guard you're giving your spinning talent and abilities and performing them in front of a bunch of people that actually understand what you're doing and appreciate it. You change their life through your performance and kewl tricks. Now let me tell ya how the process of donating blood is like a Colorguard Season: 1. You wait in the waiting room for like ever and they tell ya to read papers and stuff. Then they take you in to test your blood pressure and hemoglobin... In guard this is like the audition, whether you make the team or not. It's really nerve wracking and stressful sometimes but it is worth getting to the next step. 2. Donating blood. You sit on a comfy chair and they tell ya to squeeze a ball and they clean your arm and put the needle in and it sucks your blood!!! This can relate to gua

Ugh!!! Life has been so so hard guys!!! I didn't know anything inspirational to say until I went back and looked at my old blogs.  Not trying to brag but DANG! I should become a motivational speaker or something!!!  For those of you who don't know... My rabbit died on Independence Day (AKA last week) and it was the most gut wrenching and heart breaking experience of my life. Especially cause my boyfriend and I hadn't been a couple for a week. (Gosh if I had guard these past two weeks... I would have LOST IT!)  what happened is that I got home from work and about 20 minutes later he passed to the other side. And I as I was holding Wilbur in my arms and sobbing uncontrollably I thought back to his life and how much he had changed me. He helped me be less depressed. I would sit by his cage where he would be all the time and just pet him forever. Be cheered me up. However I'm sure he did not feel the same way about me. He would always be terrified when I would hold him. I s

Winterguard season was a blast!!! From all the painful to the blissful and unforgettable memories, it was one of the hardest seasons yet! It was probably because I came back after I took a season off! I was on the B guard at first. But around Christmas time they asked me to be a part of the Open guard. Soon after that. I tried to run as fast as my legs could carry me! (Physically and mentally!) but I caught up! At our last rehearsal on Saturday we were doing a run through and I wasn't panting and breathing hard! That was a big accomplishment for me! Also winning and becoming state champs was a really big deal too! Ahhhh!!! What a great season, I loved it soo soooooo much <3  Now I'm going to try to write the words that are from our show!!!! We this people on a small and lonely planet,  traveling through casual space  passed aloof stars  across the way of indifferent Suns to a destination where all signs tell us it is possible and imperative  that we discover a brave and star

Wherefore ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ having a brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men. 2 Nephi 31:20 👌 ( didn't write the rest of it cause I forgot it... But it's a great verse.) I think of my days experience kind of like the pioneers trek.  They had to leave so many of their dead behind without proper burials. :( it makes me so sad to think of their gruesome sacrifices...  And for me my sacrifice was the natural man. (Oh hey wait!!! I fight that everyday!)  Yesterday was especially hard though because after 6 months and 6 days....my boyfriend broke up with me.  And I need this trial. I need it because I'm weak. As strong as I may seem in my words and actions I'm constantly praying for the lord to give me strength. Because everyday is hard, especially yesterday.  And I'm probably gonna be a hermit in my house for like a week now because I need to cry, I need to be alone.  But at the same time I'm alone

Dear Grandpa,  I wish I could tell you in person all the things I've done in the past ten years since your passing to the other side. I'll start by saying I'm a teenager now and I'm gonna be a senior in High School this year. That's kinda terrifying because everyone expects me to figure out what I'm gonna do in real life... Right now. :P  I also got a boyfriend, and if you were here I don't know how you feel about that. I think everyone's kind of shocked. They don't want me to be in this relationship because they say it won't last , I won't marry him, etc. it's just all negative and it's tearing me down. I do have my mom on my side though, she likes my boyfriend. His family likes me too, or so I think.  I got my YW medallion and I've always thought you'd be proud of me for that. I accomplished that but yet Carly can still cook and clean better than me.  I'm a lot like my mom. I don't like to admit it but I am. I like t

This break has been unforgettable!!!! What started off as a good week has kind of turned into a rough and depressing one for me.  My sweet boyfriend had to say goodbye to his angel puppy today and to see him grieve is so painful for me. I haven't really experienced the grieving process before because either I was too young or I didn't know the person/ thing that was dying. But I knew this amazing dog, Maisy.  And as I've been crying probably like a ton in the past 36 hours I kept thinking why am I the one crying? My boyfriends supposed to be crying! Yet he still hugged me and comforted me even though it SHOULD HAVE been me. I need to be strong, for him.  So I have a question for you all...  How do you help someone you love when they are grieving? It's so hard to see them in emotional pain. I just don't know what to do.  I need help, I need guidance... Any of you that have lost someone or something I have a better understanding that losing someone or something is tou

Today was a great day. I slept in I did the dishes, I practiced and improved my Colorguard skills, I had an amazing night at work and I found my prom dress!!!  Trying on dresses was very stressful, my mom picked out a few that were meh, and others were immodest and it was really hard! Then I showed the dress rental lady a pic of the dress I saw on their website and oh my gosh it is beautiful!!  They had the dress and my oh my it for like a glove! I put it on and was like yep this dress wins. Not only is it my favorite color it has bling and it is poofy like a princesses dress!!! :D  Ahhh prom is already going to be so amazing I know it! I'm going with the most amazing young man and he's gonna make it the best night of my life!!!  I love to think of the hsm song "a night to remember" because I have been waiting my whole life for dating. Not prom in particular but dating it's just to sooo fun! If you go and date multiple people... You will see all the different fish

   Yes I am sorry but as an individual I struggle with self worth. Sometimes I am amazed I got my Young Woman medallion because I still don't feel like what I do for other people makes a difference. I feel ugly at school but try to smile and embrace it. I'm slower at processing things in my mind yet I'm in AP classes. And it is stressing me out!!!! All this negative energy I've been having it just keeps getting to me!  I was recently having a conversation with my boyfriend about this topic and what he said to me just changed my perspective about 360 degrees  And God wouldn't have you any other way is the part that stands out the most. He cares about what God sees in me because Gods perspective is eternal!!!!! Why do I always keep forgetting that? I need to stop living now and see that I have a future! (I have an amazing boyfriend. If you know him... Just give him a hug, he loves them 😝😉)  Then I thought back to another experience where this girl (won't state h

Hello blog reading people! It has been a LONG time since I wrote last. I'm about as bad at blogging as I am journaling!  So the day I got asked to Prom was the same day I stayed home because I was trying to work on an English assignment  that day. I was trying to make it in time for 1st lunch but I ended up showering and going to subway. Then I got to school and every single parking spot (even the ones in that are illegal to park in...) were full! I being all dissapointed went home and ate my smelly sandwich that smelled like garbage. (Didn't make me sick though! Wahoo!) Then randomly my friend Jacob came over and we wrote some flag work because I actually wanna be a Colorguard director when I grow up, not gonna lie. I know they don't get paid much but I write stuff in my head all the time and I can't stop writing! Sorry. When I get off on my Colorguard tangents everyone gets confused 😂😂😂 So after he left I did homework then I went over to my boyfriends house where I

Happy Sunday my friends! May we take time to remember this holy day ALL DAY instead of part of the day as I have been doing this morning 😬😬😬 As I was looking up the definition of insignificance it occurred to me that I'm getting closer to adulthood... We all are and it is the scariest feeling in the world! I'm always asked if I'm a sophomore or a junior because I look younger than I actually am (thank you very much!) but as a junior the responsibilities are endless! They expect you to know and do things right the first time! (Well that's how I think it is.) In all of this chaos, I forget to look to God thinking I can do it alone. But then I remember... Oh my gosh, I can't do it alone! I'm a small speck of dust compared to God and his universe!!! Yet, in his eyes we are precious and his masterpieces! Why? Because this was his plan. We are right smack in the middle of his plan of happiness as you read this! So that means the opposite of insignificance, right!?

"We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who LOVES US." Love is a strong word.  I've had my doubts of his love for me many times because every day is a battle. I always wonder who's watching over me whenever I'm alone and feel like there's no one to talk to. But whenever I feel that doubt I know it is satan! I've been able to recognize him because he brings doubt and fear. Heavenly Father brings faith, peace, and comfort.  "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." 1 Nephi 7:12   My brothers and sisters, may we doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith! Through his son we can overcome fear because of the atonement!  I had a ton of doubt that I wouldn't finish my personal progress before my 16th birthday. But inside of me, I had faith I would.  I'm so grateful for that f

Just gonna make a cute birthday post here for one of my best friends... AUTUMN! She happily made her debut into this world on January 5th, 2000 and I believe she was one of the greatest gifts Heavenly Father could give this earth besides the prophets of old and Joseph smith and Christ.  She is always smiling (unless you play with her hair), always will finding a way to cheer you up when your sad and she will!!! She will just come over to my house sometimes and when she leaves I'm grateful that she came because it's just what I needed, her friendship! She loves home and family and is a strong young woman who will be an extraordinary mother.  Best thing about her: her laught and her talkativeness. She reminds me of the book I'm reading by Al Fox Carraway. She's so open and talkative and most of all, Mormon! Autumn believes this church is so true. She lives it everyday. I'm so proud of the young woman she is becoming.  She is my rock when I am a falling tree branch. I

Happy New Year friends! I decided I didn't wanna make resolution goals this year because everyone does that and I like to be different. So all I'm going to do is try to improve, and be better now than I was a few seconds ago, etc.Sometimes taking little things one step at a time is what we need to do.  I'm not gonna lie, I am so fast paced. When it comes to doing things, I rarely slow down and take time to think about the little things that make the big things so important! When I do I am blessed!  Last year I was skipping so many days for scripture reading, not because I dont like the Old Testament but because I felt like I had "so little time" to do it. Problem is, reading those scriptures is a huge step for me to become a missionary, teach my present/future family, and most of all constantly feed my spirit. Our spirits are starving without the knowledge of the scriptures!!! ( Yes 🍕🌮🍦🍪🍩🧀 are pleasing to my PHYSICAL well being but not spiritually. 😊) Encou